fine whine

Despite the fact that we only had this conversation less than an hour ago I have already forgotten all but the gist and punchline of it.

The scene opens with a married couple and a couch. I am sitting down and my wife lifts up the blanket and sits on my legs. I shift myself, my book and my glasses sitting on my legs.

She apologizes, saying, "I'm sorry, I didn't see those there."

"What, did you think I'd taken them off and stowed them somewhere?" I reply, by way of a question, bemused.

She continued. "Well, sometimes you take them off and put them on something."

"They're removable?" I was intrigued. I looked down, puzzled about my apparent past of shelving my lower appendages. "My legs?" I asked.

It was only then that she told me, "I was talking about your glasses." Thereupon we laughed for quite some time.

There's a Post-it note stuck to my monitor.

The message on it is written in my handwriting, and it reads:

HAPPY
APRIL
FOOL'S
DAY

I've long since forgotten what it meant. There's a chance it has to do with something work-related that would have expired at the beginning of April of 2003 but I'm no longer sure. Moreover, it could well mean something else, something yet to come.

I wonder why I did it, and also why it has stayed on my monitor for over a year while just about every other sticky note I put up falls down well before a month is over.

What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.

Today was something of a rough day for me. That so-called joke was courtesy of me, circa some fifteen years ago.

As I go slowly through the boxes of my childhood stacked in my "computer room" I've come across a number of odd and interesting things. I found high-bounce balls that have cracked. I found incomplete model cars. I found a great many bookmarks, none of which I have ever used more than once. I found plastic knickknacks and puzzles that I'd forgotten and discarded. I found a tape recorder missing several crucial pieces. I also found a couple cassette tapes that were immediately obvious as to their contents.

You see, my parents had given all of us kids tape recorders (and some inherited creativity and imagination) and the desire to use them at an early age. There are probably ten or fifteen cassette tapes floating around bearing our youthful voices in pseudo-comedic sketches and fake commercials.

Well, this particular tape was mostly me solo, and as I listened to it in the car I was not impressed. The twenty odd minutes I heard along the way to the used games and movies place were downright horrible, replete with horrible timing, transparent voice imitations and 130-in-1 Electronics Kit sound effects. Did I mention that most of the "funny" stuff was cribbed from elsewhere, including, if I recall, a number of bad joke books.

Hence the joke at the beginning of this; it's the only thing in the entire forty-odd minutes that made me laugh.

Forty-odd minutes is a long time to be just listening to a cassette tape, and I was in fact also driving at the time. You see, earlier today Jessica and I were out on a mission to get some shelving (and groceries) and maybe even a broom handle (mission accomplished!) whereupon we also went a bit out of the way to drop in on a used cd/dvd/video game place. I had a coupon for getting a free whatever if I bought another whatever of equal or greater value, so I figured I'd give it a shot.

Passing up a nice set of EPs by Belle & Sebastian (because I could find nothing else near it in price to get for free) I finally settled on The Simpsons: Road Rage and Gauntlet: Dark Legends (yes, yes, I know, Scott) for the PS2 for well under the price most places would charge, so I bought them.

It wasn't until I got home that I opened the cases and realized the discs were still at the store. Color me embarrassed.

I'd also not brought along the two Blockbuster rainchecks we had for The day after tomorrow and Man on fire (neither of which I'd be likely to watch if not for the fact that they're free).

So I ate some food and headed back over there to pick up my games. I'd grabbed the cassettes as an afterthought, realizing it'd be easier to listen to them than surf the radio through the north side of Columbus.

So I already feel like an idiot for not checking the games. I always check stuff like that. Always, always. I even look in the ones I check out at the library. Evidently I'd neglected to do so this time. Anyway I was feeling like an idiot and listening to the high-pitched voice of young Mike, whom I could just picture huddled over my little boombox with the box of miscellaneous pieces (which would provide the sound of breaking glass or an automobile crash) and Electronics Kit at hand. Too bad I hadn't prepared any funny material, because this stuff was painfully unfunny. There have been atrocious Saturday Night Live sketches that caused people to gouge out their eyes to stuff in their ears that were better than this.

Let's just say that my self esteem was not at an all time high.

The store clerks remembered me and found the discs, sending me on my way with a bonus five dollar coupon for my troubles.

I was so touched by their kindness, or annoyed by my lack of comedy, that I forgot again to stop by Blockbuster. Monday's not even until tomorrow.

Ah, good old IRC. I idle part of my workday in the #last.fm.chat room. Last.FM's been having some troubles, software- and hardware-wise lately, and the regular flash-based chatroom client hasn't worked in a week or two. Those of us who have braved the arcane ways of mIRC have found our way back into the chat room and continued pretty much as normal, chatting-wise and cracking wise, as it were.

The only problem? There's only about three of us. For that matter there are about six regular chatters when it works, but now it's down to pretty much me and my pal Heep now.

We're rapidly running out of things about which to chat these days, so, well, ...

<Heep> my toes are killing me right now
* eating_codger is now known as Heeps_toes
* Heep loves sandals but doesn't feel right wearing them to work for some reason
* Heeps_toes kills Heep
<Heep> lol
* Heeps_toes is now known as codger
<codger> sorry, it was too easy
<Heep> indeed
.
.
.
* Heep is now known as _
<_> oops
<_> LOL this nick rules
* codger is now known as nick
* nick is now known as Heep
<Heep> VICTORY
<Heep> IS
<Heep> MINE!
<_> bah!
* Heep is now known as victor
* _ is now known as Emperor_Mike
* victor gets the spoils
* Emperor_Mike is now known as how
* how much wood could a woodchuck chuck
<victor> indeed
* how is now known as it
* it is amazing how many crazy ideas we come up with
* victor is now known as how
<how> how many roads must a man walk down?
<how> argh
<it> mwahaha
* how embarrassing
<it> LOL
<how> :)
* it is now known as indeed
* indeed it is
* how funny was that?
* indeed is now known as very
* very funny
* how original
<very> hmm I wonder, if you picked a good enough word, if you could say everything with /me statements like that
* very is now known as the
* how is now known as and
* the program allows for many possibilities
* and yet it still seems to be lacking something
* the objective I have it to stump you so there is no possible way you can reply with your current nick
* and yet you fail
* the game is only just beginning
* and what an auspicious beginning that is
* the will always be more useful than "and"
* and that wasn't even a sentence
* the previous statement was indeed a sentence!
* and did you know that entire languages exist without a corresponding "the", yet almost all have an "and"?!
* the word "the" is more useful for starting sentences though
* and in fact the starting of sentences with "and" is largely frowned upon
* the same applies to the word "but"
* and "because" too
* the rules of English therefore favour me
* and yet common usage is rife with "and ..." sentences
* the blabberings you are sputtering are just jealousy of my superiority
* and and yet you have yet to have the last word
* the previous statement by you could be considered a "foul" because of poor grammar
* and I would agree
* the game is therefore playing out in my favour
* and yet it continues
* the real bummer is that we don't have an active audience
* but has joined #last.fm.chat
* but does that matter?
* and yet you *do* have a point
* that has joined #last.fm.chat
* that could be considered cheating
* and so could "that"
* but who's keeping track?
* the cheating on my part is acceptable, however, since you did it first
* and your point is...?
* that is actually quite a useless word in this game
* the ability to use quotations around my name would have been useful in that statement to make it grammatically correct
* and we all know how important correct grammar is to the current discussion
* that is true
* and now you agree with me
* the score is then even
* but who's keeping track?
* that guy over there
* and yet we have no sense of points or accomplishment
* that is because we have no reward
* and yet we continue, undaunted
* the only reward is to know which article is most useful
* and the only article in question is "the", since "a" and "an" are conspicuously absent
* that is true
* and you know it
* the word I used should have simply been "word"
* but what is truth?
* and how would "word" be better?
* the absence of lies
* the word "word" would be better since it would be more general than "article"
* and that's the best you can do? "the absense of lies"?
* that makes sense though
* and now it's clear to me what you meant
* the joke was slowly interpreted
* and yet I was referring to your "word" versus "article" statement
* that was an incorrect reference
* and the ball's still in your court
* the problem is knowing what to do with the ball
* and it's your problem, too
* that was a cheesy response
* and yet it worked
* the game could theoretically go on forever
* and yet you and I both know it won't
* that is because I eventually must leave
* but then I'd "win", wouldn't I?
* the end could be postponed
* and you wouldn't want that, would you?
* but what about the other chatters, if ever there are any?
* that is not of our concern
* and why not? We, after all, account for more than half of this room at the moment
* but that will change, as I have a meeting at 3pm
* that is exactly my point. We dwarf them.
* but what a hollow victory, no?
* the file I'm currently inputting has taken me an hour so far, when they normally take 3 minutes
* that is because I've been chatting
* and yet my productivity is unchanged
* but it hasn't been that great anyway
* the game should be wrapped up soon
* and and then we'll go our separate ways and deny that this ever happened. Russ, though, will remember
* but there I did it again
* that is another foul for you
* and I hang my head in shame, again
* the shame is on me as well, as you have not seen how many times I typed "/the" and was saved by a syntax error...
* and didn't even know that would cause a syntax error
* but I forgot the "I" in the last sentence there
* the game is starting to get the best of us
* that is not good
* and I'm getting really sloppy
* but what does it matter, in the end?
* the chair I'm sitting on just startled me because I accidentally pulled the height lever and dropped to the floor
* the end is announced
* the is now known as Heep
* and I feel fine
<Heep> LOL
* and is now known as codger
* but has quit IRC (Quit: )
<codger> 'twas funny
* that has quit IRC (Quit: )

Okay, so it isn't that funny, but at the time it was hilarious.

When people ask me about my site and the whole writing-something-every-day thing half of the time they ask something along the lines of, "What, so anybody can read it? Anybody at all?"

To that I can only reply, "Yes, anybody can read it. Fortunately nobody does."

Seriously, though, some people read this, and here I give nothing back (other than my finely-honed wit and insightful, um, insights) to them that could possibly be useful.

Well, it's time for that to change. I am going to teach you how to dance like me. That's right, you will learn the very moves that won me a couple Swiss Cake Rolls in a seventh grade dance contest, and the same ones that have served me so well, ever since.

First of all, loosen up. Don't worry about doing this in advance or stretching or anything like that, since you will have the first quarter of your dancing duration to loosen up. Be sure to rock back and forth on your toes and heels, and sway from side to side in some semblance of the music's rhythm, or, failing that, whatever regular motion you can muster. Advanced technique adds the additional "hand bob" whereby the dancer's right arm is extended at the elbow outward and the hand is bobbed at the wrist to the beat of the song (Imagine, if you must, a person tapping lightly on a bongo). This is also a key time to keep track of any friends in your immediate vicinity. If you do not have any friends, be sure to identify sympathetic bystanders to whom you can speak, or shout, as the night progresses.

Keep close tabs on your talking buddy. Do not stray more than five feet from your buddy or buddies. You must be able to maintain a conversation with them at all times, even mid-song or move, and walkie-talkies do not work well around loud PA systems.

Make sure to approach the dance floor only after your buddy has done so. Discussion of the finer points of this is outside the scope of our lesson. Just do it.

Once you are loosened up and your buddy has entered the main dance area, you are now going to dance. Writhe in a close approximation to the beat of the music, with first your legs, and after at least twelve songs, your arms.

Do not allow your arms to go any higher than your nipples. A good gauge for this, as well as a way to meet people, is to reach around for the nipples of somebody your height. It may help for some of you to visualize the baseball batter's strike zone. Your arms will be moving around largely within these confines in front and back of your torso.

Do not move your feet more than four inches in any direction. If you manage to turn completely around before the chrous of a song has ended, you are doing something wrong. Here is when the side-to-side and back-and-forth rocking exercises will have paid off, though you may find yourself actually lifting a foot or two at some point.

Though never both at the same point, unless your friends have begun to "pogo". Pogo only when at least one buddy is doing it first. Synchronicity is essential. This and these other basic steps have served me well for years, even before pogoing was popular.

Above all, do not make eye contact with anyone else on the dance floor. Doing so can be viewed as a sign of aggression, and can only culminate in a fierce dance-off the likes of which the world has not seen since The forbidden dance* left theaters in mid-1990.

*The other Lambada, which opened the same day. You know, the one that starred Laura Harring? Rita, from Mulholland Drive? No? Well, you don't get out much at all, do you?

There are times I have a tendency to get a little silly at work. My co-workers by now understand my unique sense of humor and no longer give me too strange of looks when I try to crack wise or be witty. Instead they (fake a ) laugh and we all emjoy a brief reprieve from our otherwise drudgerous days.

Today I latched onto making proclamations. We bandy about a bunch of terms without having really set the words in stone, and this occasionally leads to confusion, or at least rampant inconsistency. On garments we ask for a "hangtag", a piece of card stock or paper or something similar with marketing information on it. We also request "hang tags". Typos add to the endless variations of "hangtag" around the office. So today, with my colleagues' agreement, I set it in stone with a hand-scrawled sign in my cubicle:

"Henceforth, 'Hangtag' shall be one word."

Naturally they mocked me for using such an archaic word as "henceforth". Realizing my error, I quickly amended my sign with another one:

"Henceforth, 'Going Forward' shall replace 'Henceforth'."

This too got a laugh, and we went back to work. The phrase bounced around in my head, a bit, and I have to admit that it has a neat rhythm to it. I started to imagine it being a real proclamation, and a new world unfolded in my head.

I thought of a medieval king laying down the law, trying to modernize his kingdom in words and other stuff. He'd be surrounded by his Knights, sitting behind signs with "sir" scrawled out and "VP" scrawled over their names. They'd be wearing ties over their coats of armor, as well, except that such a thing would be too ridiculous. At one point the King would call in their newly-dubbed Knowledge Worker, Merlin, and hijinks would ensue as a people so unfamiliar with modern English let alone modern business-speak would butcher both languages.

The idea had potential, but I had to get some work done and it was relegated to some chicken scratchings on a post-it note.