fine whine

When people ask me about my site and the whole writing-something-every-day thing half of the time they ask something along the lines of, "What, so anybody can read it? Anybody at all?"

To that I can only reply, "Yes, anybody can read it. Fortunately nobody does."

Seriously, though, some people read this, and here I give nothing back (other than my finely-honed wit and insightful, um, insights) to them that could possibly be useful.

Well, it's time for that to change. I am going to teach you how to dance like me. That's right, you will learn the very moves that won me a couple Swiss Cake Rolls in a seventh grade dance contest, and the same ones that have served me so well, ever since.

First of all, loosen up. Don't worry about doing this in advance or stretching or anything like that, since you will have the first quarter of your dancing duration to loosen up. Be sure to rock back and forth on your toes and heels, and sway from side to side in some semblance of the music's rhythm, or, failing that, whatever regular motion you can muster. Advanced technique adds the additional "hand bob" whereby the dancer's right arm is extended at the elbow outward and the hand is bobbed at the wrist to the beat of the song (Imagine, if you must, a person tapping lightly on a bongo). This is also a key time to keep track of any friends in your immediate vicinity. If you do not have any friends, be sure to identify sympathetic bystanders to whom you can speak, or shout, as the night progresses.

Keep close tabs on your talking buddy. Do not stray more than five feet from your buddy or buddies. You must be able to maintain a conversation with them at all times, even mid-song or move, and walkie-talkies do not work well around loud PA systems.

Make sure to approach the dance floor only after your buddy has done so. Discussion of the finer points of this is outside the scope of our lesson. Just do it.

Once you are loosened up and your buddy has entered the main dance area, you are now going to dance. Writhe in a close approximation to the beat of the music, with first your legs, and after at least twelve songs, your arms.

Do not allow your arms to go any higher than your nipples. A good gauge for this, as well as a way to meet people, is to reach around for the nipples of somebody your height. It may help for some of you to visualize the baseball batter's strike zone. Your arms will be moving around largely within these confines in front and back of your torso.

Do not move your feet more than four inches in any direction. If you manage to turn completely around before the chrous of a song has ended, you are doing something wrong. Here is when the side-to-side and back-and-forth rocking exercises will have paid off, though you may find yourself actually lifting a foot or two at some point.

Though never both at the same point, unless your friends have begun to "pogo". Pogo only when at least one buddy is doing it first. Synchronicity is essential. This and these other basic steps have served me well for years, even before pogoing was popular.

Above all, do not make eye contact with anyone else on the dance floor. Doing so can be viewed as a sign of aggression, and can only culminate in a fierce dance-off the likes of which the world has not seen since The forbidden dance* left theaters in mid-1990.

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*The other Lambada, which opened the same day. You know, the one that starred Laura Harring? Rita, from Mulholland Drive? No? Well, you don't get out much at all, do you?