Previously unmentioned signs of the coming apocalypse
This is another high school humor list, so it too is somewhat dated. Some of these have actually happened; others are so incredibly absurd I don't even understand them anymore. And some of them just aren't funny anymore, if they ever were. Beware!
McDonald's reaches 100 billion served.
"Cybill" becomes a movie, and even the sequel is better.
Someone finally realizes *why* Roseanne and Barney are never seen together.
Commercials finally out-weird even Saturday morning TV.
Fruit activists successfully settle out of court with AIDS researchers to end those banana/condom demos.
Lawyers start suing themselves out of boredom.
Dennis Rodman divorces himself, then gets into a domestic dispute and successfully files for a restraining order.
Shuffleboard replaces golf as the over-televised yet most mind-numbingly dull game in the country.
ScrabbleTM fans form a cult in Minnesota.
Tofu is declared a narcotic.
Shaved french poodles revolt against their masters.
Someone shoots the record company executives currently responsible for the Spice Girls - followed by a global riot/celebration.
CBS stops broadcasting; no one notices.
Gilbert Gottfreid gets his own talk show.
Ross Perot and Steve Forbes conspire to buy Idaho.
The FBI's file on Elvis mysteriously disappears; then reappears in a rural convenience store.
Vanilla Ice and Milli Vanilli stage simultaneous comeback tours; chaos ensues.
Homosexuals are allowed into Hindu monasteries on a "don't ask-don't tell" basis.
The reproductive habits of an issue of National Geographic are revealed to nobody's surprise.
"Talk to the hand!" becomes the official motto of Chicago.
The Detroit Tigers finally give up baseball and switch to ballet.
Hair-piercing is attempted.
The mere idea of any sort of dancing becomes completely obsolete, and everyone just stands around.
Sesame Street puppet Big Bird finally reaches puberty.
Smoking becomes passe, people instead light their noses on fire.
Disney World formally secedes from Florida; Mickey appoints himself dictator for life.
SPAM is ground up and reprocessed, then sold as cat food.
Bill Gates finds a way to insert his soul into a computer, then wonders what to do with all the empty space.
Toasters are banned; black market appliance sales triple.
Art Modell screws Baltimore by bringing the Ravens to Cleveland.
Pillow fights become an intercollegiate sport.
The Artist, formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince, changes his name again to a wheeze and a sigh.
Old women start listening to gangsta rap; Coolio shoots himself.
A civil war is fought between the Baby Boomers and their Generation X progeny; no one emerges victorious.
Dave Thomas is revealed to be a fraud; Wendy was the real mastermind.
Montana's remaining wacko/resident is eaten by a bear.
Socks the Cat and Buddy the Dog fight it out, and the aftermath rips through both sides of the Capitol.
Women finally learn how to drive.
Doctor Kevorkian opens an abortion clinic to `cover both ends'.
The economy crashes; thousands of business executives nationwide are found hung by their neckties.
Luddites across the country found "America Offline". It's a commercial success.
A truly safe car is built, but the owner and builders are run over in a freak accident.
"Baby on Board" signs come back into widespread use for their pure functionality.
John Ritter again relaunches his acting career.
Kathy Lee Gifford's son Cody grows up to bear an amazing resemblance to Regis Philbin.
Rush Limbaugh spontaneously implodes when the Democratic party becomes more conservative than he is.
Computers get smaller as cappucino machines get bigger.
A piece of Styrofoam biodegrades naturally.
Infomercials get so long that they get commercials of their own.
Iraq is wiped off the map when some idiot sneezes in the nuke room.
Lawyers write paperback books about novelists.
Breathing air is made illegal; millions of smokers quit in rebellion.
The sign of the Beast is revealed to actually be a stop sign.
Pearl Jam releases a good CD.
A tree falls in the woods and nobody is there to hear the environmentalist that it fell on's screams for help.
O.J. Simpson is caught speeding.
Kansas is strangely completely enveloped is a locust swarm, just two days after the odd rain of frogs.
Piano teachers come into high demand as Marylin Manson cuts an all-keyboard album.
Taxes are made voluntary; half the populace continue to pay them.
Fundamentalist book burning is replaced by videotape and CD-melting.
All license plates printed in Utah read "DIE 666".
Crazed old men roam the streets with "The End Is Far Off" signs.
Krishnas chant coherently.
David Koresh rises from the grave.
Public schools consistently turn out eloquent speaking, literate scholars.
The lette afte "Q" is completely emoved f om all w iting and speech.
Symphonies get an electric guitar section added.
Americans learn to appreciate cricket.
The law of gravity is repealed after a long equal rights debate in the Supreme Court.
Marketers premeire the Kinder, Gentler New York City.
Cars become cheaper than a pair of Nike shoes.
Bowling balls are worshiped as idols in Kentucky.
Country music and rap combine so music stores can have R&B and R&C departments.
The American budget is balanced just as the dollar is devalued completely.
Half the population of Venezuela is discovered to understand slide rules even though they don't even have abacuses.
The English finally admit defeat, and give us Ireland.
Robot workers strike.
Iowa becomes an industrial nation.
LA-Z-Boys evolve into intelligent life forms, and a shrewd executive sells them as pets. Sales boom.
A completely new language that is incredibly coincidently identical to Latin comes into widespread use in Africa.
The secret military base in Nevada is revealed to be not "Area 51" but actually a "7-11".
NASA faces budget cuts and must go to the hardware store for wood screws.
Celebrity fingernail clippings become collector's items.
Anarchists take over Canada, put themselves into power, then shoot themselves out of principle.
On national TV Ed McMahon tears off his suit and shouts "I'm Superman!" while the audience vomits at seeing him in tights.
Amidst scandal after scandal, Bill Clinton does something honest.
New Math is replaced by * Newer * Math.
Ronald Reagan and Big Boy's hair waves spontaneously collapse, followed by the Dow and the national economy.
Four out of five doctors start to disagree about Tylenol.
Chernobyl stops glowing.
More meteorites bearing possible fossils from Mars pelt the Earth.
Microsoft leaves the software business and moves instead to the ladies' underwear market.
A better mousetrap is invented, just after every rodent on the planet mysteriously vanishes.
The Mormon Tabernacle Obese Ladies' Chorus debuts.
Little green men from Planet X land in L.A. and go unnoticed for two weeks until their saucer is towed away.
Beverly Hills becomes a slum.
The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers are eaten, Zords and all, by Godzilla.
A Japanese animator dies, leaving Speed Racer mid-commercial.
Grey hair dye gains popularity with the Baby Boomers.
The moon falls out of its orbit, crushing New Jersey.
The Internet is purged completely of pornography.
Hockey and tennis are successfully combined.
Richard Simmons spontaneously gains 200 pounds when he "succumbs" to a Twinkie.
Homosexuals switch from closets to bathrooms.
Cindy Crawford learns how to act.
Pee-Wee Herman impersonators become popular.
Gargamel finally catches those pesky Smurfs.
Halley's comet comes 25 years too early.
Hallmark creates holiday:"Eve of Destruction".
Apes from the Rock of Gibraltar learn to sail and take over Spain.
Mr. Roger's closet gets moths.
Arthur Treacher's Fish & Chips reaches 1 million served.
Hard rock group AC/DC joins up with Michael Bolton and switch to easy listening.
"Mork & Mindy" reruns hit primetime again.
Rocky VII is abandoned after Sylvester Stallone realizes it's the same as Rocky's I thru VI.
Hershey's changes M&Ms again to black, dark black, midnight black, and politically correct, non-racist black.
Hard up due to Clintonomics, the tooth fairy starts stealing gold teeth.
Calculus is found to have an everyday use.
QVC goes bankrupt, and is forced to sell itself on the Home Shopping Network.
Cadillac starts making bicycles.
George Lucas gives up on Star Wars after the seventeenth movie.
Hitler's left arm is found in Louisiana.
"Soft Rock Cafe"s open worldwide.
Terrorists start bombing taxis and bus depots.
Valu-Jet takes off again--as a skydiving service.
Men finally understand women.
"Song of Solomon" is exposed a hoax.
Maculay Culkin is approached to do Home Alone 4 -- Lost in High School.
Jim Carrey is nominated for an Academy Award for his first completely serious film.
Inner city students start saying the Pledge of Allegiance to the Tommy Hilfiger logo.
Southern Baptist churches start sitting with women on one side, men on the other--but not too close together.
Microsoft decides to strip all useful coding out of its popular Windows software line just to be safe from further government pestering.
NBC loses its last chance for viewers when FOX purchases ER.
Aaron Spelling puts out a children's television show.
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